Arjun Walks

So my son, you take your first steps...
It is a long journey from here and you will find that you are carried less and less over the years...
As you totter forward today, remember this is not the only time you will wobble, wanting to take the next step but too scared to...
Such occasions will come again and again. When they do, you will either collapse in a heap or take that decisive step...
There will be times when you fall, like you do now, but make sure you rise every time, like you do now...
And as you walk, make your journey worthwhile

At last, I meet the demons

Fear.

That knot in the stomach, that skipping beat of the heart, that little, gnawing elf dancing around in the head telling me I am less than human.

Long have I struggled with this mischief monger, not knowing that I am in its thrall. I deluded myself into believing that the demons i thought lurked under the bed as a child, stayed there.

They didn’t, they followed me, trapping me at every step I took.

I struggled this past year. The arms I ran into seeking shelter from the sinister demons turned me over to them. I struggled with raw pain, I bled over heart-wrenching betrayals.

I saw friends who were not and I met the demons from under the bed. They were out there – baring their fangs into a grisly smile as I wept.

What has changed? I don’t know. Am I a child trembling in the night or a woman with choices to make? Or both?

Sometimes I know, sometimes I don’t. But what I do know is, I am getting sick of fear. A lot has changed. My life is not what it was. All that I had carefully built is lying at my feet, shattered.

Something else has to be built. At the moment, I don’t know what or how. But yes, something will be built.

When I look at the past or think about the future – I feel overwhelmed. The past holds loss, the future – uncertainty. But I have to take a step. Like a traveller lost in the forest at night, if I focus the torchlight on just one step ahead, maybe I can move.

And if those demons come for me – maybe I wont bury myself in the bedcovers, maybe I wont rush into the wrong arms. Maybe, I will rush headlong at the monster and fight.

How you crave simple things. Mom and dad are leaving tomorrow, on Arjun's first birthday. How I wish i could be with them and take care of them. I like getting up in the morning to cook their breakfast, i like making sure they have their meds, i like pressing mom's feet.
i wish i could do all this more.

Sleepy sleepy sleepy.....
I am at work and trying to keep my eyes open.
I could peel the two lids apart, that would help....
It is so overwhelming, so new.
actually, last month and everything that happened just recently seems like a different life.
But I have to hang on.
It will get better. Arjun and I will get used to each other. then, he wont scream so much.
I just have to get over this initial period. I cried today, that too in front of mom and dad.
How stupid. They have done all they could. they have spoiled their health looking after arjun so selflessly.
I should be strong. most of all, i need to believe. i can see i lack confidence. Before every story i think i wont be able to do it. i am bogged down by the same feeling.
I can do this. Maid or no maid. I can really do this.

Be who you are

There's glory in following one's own dharma and infamy in following another's, no matter how appealing it may seem, says Krishna in the Geeta.
The lines have been interpreted in a narrow way and the result is all the brouhaha over conversion.
After the crazy situations I have encountered, I believe what this really means is that one must remain true to one's own basic nature and not try to be someone else.
Look at me. Who was I? A simple girl in a plait who loved to read and had a few close friends, but someone who was essentially a home bird. I loved long walks in the evening. But i was by no means a social butterfly.
Then, i tried to be someone I was not and faced such painful situations. Since I was not who I was acting as, i was not equipped to handle the kind of people my made up exterior attracted. I believe they were cruel. But they were not. they would never have done such things to the real me but the person they saw or believed they saw, would not set great store by such things. It was not their fault, it was mine.
We are who we are. A deer is a deer, a wolf a wolf. A deer should not try to hunt.

Trail of a dream

I want to believe you.

But I know better. I taste your words like nectar.

I feel their sweetness in my heart

I look at you like the Sun splattering its gold on a barren sky

But I know the nectar won’t last, neither will the sunrise

Who am i?

Just how many masks you have on, stranger?
Each face of yours tells a different story...
Each story robs me of a part of me...
Over the years, you have taken pieces of me...
Some I have given away to others...
Now, I know your masks...

But I don't know myself...
Can you tell me who I am?